My father reached out to me to congratulate me on my pregnancy. He also mentioned a message of now I will never be alone.
I couldn’t help but to reply that yes, I will never be alone because I don’t abuse people.
We don’t speak.
He knows I don’t want to have a relationship with him yet he oversteps my boundaries.
He has never taken responsibility for his acts of sexual abuse to me.
He has never changed, grown, gotten help or acknowledged the damage he has inflicted on his family.
And even if he did, it wouldn’t change anything.
I could never trust him.
For years he made me feel that it was my fault for his sexual advances. That I asked for it.
As I embrace motherhood I can’t imagine my child ever experiencing what I went through.
The inhumane treatment I experienced.
There was a moment that I thought my parents would kill me.
A memory of my Mother stuffing a towel in my mouth so that the neighbors wouldn’t hear my screams while my Father beat me on the floor.
This is only one of the many violent memories I have been healing from in therapy.
There was a time that I felt guilty for not wanting a relationship with him. He drilled this belief in us that no matter what happened we were family always.
So he could treat us any way and we still had to love him in the end.
I wonder why life still gives him and people like him a chance to live.
For the women who have been sexually abused and abused… you have every right to speak up. To say something. To feel angry. To feel complete utter rage.
I got to say what I wanted to always say to him today.
That he is a sick man.
And one that will never get my pardons.
I refuse to play in a relationship that is built on the past is the past and let’s move on. On an idea of false happiness.
He still treats my Mother will little to no respect. He preys on young women. He is abusive towards everyone. And this year he spent his birthday alone. With no one by his side.
Karma = action = consequence.
We have no obligation to the people who violate us regardless of the title “family”.
I have grown immensely over the years into a pretty phenomenal and healthy woman. I had to save myself during moments when I wanted to end my own life.
I am still decompressing the years of violence and abuse in therapy. I still have moments of PTSD and triggers. My therapist and I have done serious work to get me to where I am now. And I am super proud of myself.
My friends who suffer from trauma, you can’t change what happened to you.
But you can change how you live with it and how those people live inside of you.
They don’t get to have your power.
They get to hear your voice.
You get to be here.