Dreams & Old Hurts.

What we want versus what we must do are two very completely different things. In my quest to heal the traumas of the past I have learned that the only way out is through.

I may not want to go through the process to reflect and clear trauma but I know that I must to make space for it.

To give it a voice and to let all the hurt from those memories be free.

18076689_10155351021101424_2776611793883934728_oYesterday I went very deep in two meditations enough to forget my body for a split second. I jolted back into the reality of my teacher’s voice and noticed where my mind had gone.

I went into an archive tucked away in time to a distant and near memories. One of which I got my heart broken and the other a trauma around the belief of not being lovable.

Sad but true.

Meditation is such a phenomenal tool in gaining insight on what is underneath all of the layers of my “self”.

In it I gain perspective and some peace that wasn’t there before.

This morning I woke up from several intense dreams where I released some buried hurt around two very traumatic relationships. One of my father where he transformed into a hummingbird and passed away.

I realized that in my hurt I could still see his worthiness. While he may not transform in this life he has the opportunity to transform in other dimensions.

We are never truly fixed as we are.

Dreams are opportunities for us to grow, expand and learn outside of ourselves. With intention and awareness I believe we can heal a lot in the dream state.

We are worthy of giving ourselves this.

Kintsugi is the art of embracing the flawed and imperfect by mending together broken and shattered pottery with gold lacquer highlighting the cracks rather than hiding them.

I like to consider that my healing journey is like the art of Kintsugi. Perhaps my heart is a mirror of the image above.

Pure with gold outlines.

Whatever our old hurts may be we can take them and give them light. Show them there is still beauty in the flaws.

The story is perfect and whole as we are.

-From Emily, With Love.

 

 

How to Heal from a Breakup

heartbreakYou are probably reading this because like me you’ve experienced some form of loss or heartbreak either in the past or right now. Heartbreak doesn’t have to just come from intimate partners but from our parents, friends, pets, etc. Loss is loss even if it’s not romantic. I’ve written about this many times before but working as a psychic medium and from general experience I have spoken with so many people who have lost someone or something including myself.

Breakups are like a shock to the system. Our worlds are turned upside down and it’s almost as if we have been knocked down to rock bottom. Sometimes there are warning signs and we may expect it to end soon and other times we are completely blind-sided. In my case with my own recent breakup, it was a mixture of both. We had our flare-ups and there were definitely issues of concern but I didn’t think it was impossible to work through. However in the end, those issues became larger and larger and eventually led to an abrupt ending which left me wondering if it had been all my fault.

Not only did it bring a variety of mixed emotions but the pain that remained was the worst most gut-wrenching feeling ever. I wondered if I’d be able to breathe again or if I could just get through one work day without taking bathroom breaks to cry.  Let me tell you that tissue box became my best friend! Most days were a roller coaster of emotions for me. In just 5 minutes I would feel angry, sad, destroyed, happy, hopeful, angry, relieved and then hopeful all over again and that cycle would repeat all day.

After enough days of crying myself to sleep, loss of appetite and lack of motivation to do anything I finally came to terms that I needed to start taking care of myself. I had to accept it was over and there weren’t going to be any second chances, not because I wanted one but because I realized I didn’t want that relationship anymore.

After seeing someone you loved so deeply walk away from you and give up fighting for something they once believed in, you sort of have to just accept things and let it go. I couldn’t force it and I wasn’t going to prove that I was worth it, that we were worth it.

I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I’m definitely not a weak person by nature so I decided I would start the healing process and force myself to move on and let that relationship go.

I found in the process people were so quick to tell me: 1. You’re strong, you’ll get through this, 2. Time heals all wounds (my personal not favorite), 3. You’ll get over it, something better is to come. There were so many cliche responses and so many of them that just didn’t help in my healing process. I personally feel the last thing someone wants to hear is any of those. When you’re hurting, you’re hurting and time nor space nor a million affirmations are going are going to heal you, at least not right away.

So how did I move on? And more importantly, how we can move on from a break up? How can we heal from the loss of someone we shared a life with? Will the pain ever subside and just plain go away?

Here are some ways that helped me and I hope they help you in your journey towards healing and happiness.

1. Create a strong support group.

The biggest thing for me was having strong reliable friends and family to be there whether it was just to listen to me rant or have a fun outing to take my mind off everything.  I can’t be more grateful for everyone who picked me up and reminded me of who I really am and what I’m worthy and deserving of.   Having a strong support network is a top priority in the healing process. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help or just some relationship advice. They will be your backbone and your foundation when you feel like you’re losing sight of the bigger picture.

2. Find a confidant, mentor or therapist to guide you.

After breakups, our emotional state is so raw. We are wounded and sometimes need someone who is a neutral party to guide us on our way to recovery. I have an amazing therapist who helped me connect with my emotions in a positive way and understand that relationship and breakup in a wiser perspective. If you aren’t someone who does therapy, then find a teacher/coach/confidant or mentor who can push  and encourage you along your path. It seriously is some of the best medicine emotionally and mentally! I always leave my session feeling lighter and happier and more confident in my life decisions.

3. Focus on physical and mental health.

After we ended, I decided to focus and channel all my energy on running my first half marathon race. I’m definitely no experienced runner but physical health has always been important to me so what better way to channel all those mixed emotions than get in shape and focus on an end goal. You may not want to run a half marathon but perhaps there are physical fitness goals you’ve been wanting to work on. Get a fitness coach or attend a class and set a goal to those pounds you’ve been wanting to shed or just get back into shape and feel good about yourself again! Not only is physical fitness healthy but it makes us feel good about yourself and releases that emotional distress you’re going through.

It’s important to have a mind-body connection and  feel overall balanced in every aspect of our life, so don’t forget your mental and emotional health. Every week focus on short-term goals by exercising x amount of times, eating healthier and making yourself happier by doing something nice for yourself. Writing helped me a lot to connect to my emotions as well as meditation. I also purchased books on grief and healing from a breakup to connect to other people stories and help me in my own.

4. Do what you always wanted to do but never did in that relationship.

Often times, people say they lost themselves in their relationship or compromised so much of their own interests and happiness for the sake of their partner’s. Well you’re single now and it’s all about you! Make a list of all of the things you wanted to do but couldn’t do or didn’t when you were in the relationship and make it a goal to do some of them now! We don’t always need our partners to share experiences with. Reach out to friends and family and ask them to join you in any adventure whether its simply to check out a new restaurant you’ve been dying to try or catch a movie.

5. Disconnect from any social media with your ex. 

Some people remain friends with their exes on social media after their breakups which I personally never understand why. Its like opening an fresh wound over and over again and not letting it heal properly. Social media can be difficult to disconnect from because it’s the last thing that keeps that person alive and fresh in our memory and its also a way for us to still be close to him/her but let’s face it, it really ends up doing more harm than good. Unless you are able to be acquaintances or friends right away, it’s best to cut the cord until you and the person are on the same page emotionally.

6. Put any reminders of them away.

It’s hard to box away sentimental things connected to our exes but for the time being while you are healing it’s often said to put away any reminders. I’m not saying burn it or throw away the items but simply just put it all in a box and come back to it another time when you’re in a stronger place and no longer have an emotional attachment to the items. When you are able to look back at the relationship and have a neutral feeling or sense of gratitude and acceptance then you’ve made great progress.

7. Self-talks. 

You may look back and realized you made a huge mistake or think it was all your fault. However, remind yourself of all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t right for you and what wasn’t working in it. Make a list of all the positives and the negatives and remind yourself every day the reasons why it didn’t or couldn’t work.

I constantly had these inner dialogues with myself and went through a cycle of thoughts of everything I had loved about the relationship to then everything that wasn’t right for me and eventually it really push me to move on and reinforced so many things for me. I still experienced a variety of mixed emotions but In the end, I came to a place of acceptance, peace and understanding that it wasn’t the right relationship for me.

Self-talks will be a huge part of the healing process and honestly are dynamic moving forward. You will always value something about that person and the relationship but also remember the things you were looking for that were unfulfilled and what you’d like in the future with someone new.

8. Love yourself.

Lastly, always remember to love yourself. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up after a break up. Go through all the qualities you love about yourself and that you offer in a relationship. Be around people who also love and adore you. Be compassionate and forgiving of yourself and any mistakes you made in that relationship. Be open to experiencing love from the world through new friendships, opportunities and experiences.

One of my favorite quotes that I will leave with you.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

 

 

 

Forgiveness.

  “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.” -Lewis Smedes

When is the right time to forgive someone? Is there even a right time? In some situations it’s easier to forgive than in others. Sometimes the pain caused is so deep that we can’t see past it. We can’t move forward and usually hold on to this pain like a security blanket unable to let go. But why? Why is it that we so often hold on to this pain, hurt, anger and resentment? What purpose does it serve us? The questions are much easier to ask than to answer them.

What are you holding on to? It could be a grudge against someone from the past or from a difficult relationship. Think about it for a moment. Is there anything or anyone holding you back from moving forward? What stops you from forgiving the person? Sometimes it takes people an entire lifetime to forgive someone and sometimes it takes a few hours. How much more time do you want to spend?

I recently read somewhere that forgiveness can easily be confused with approval. We can be afraid to forgive because then it could indicate to the person or to ourselves we approve of their actions. However this is not the case. Forgiveness is not approval. Forgiveness is simply letting go of that pain and moving on with your life. Forgiveness makes room for happiness to enter your life and can heal your soul.

There are many reasons as to why we don’t want to forgive so easily. It could be a sign of weakness, fear of getting hurt again, anger or revenge. Whatever the reason, is it worth holding you back from living a more enjoyable and happy life?

In the words of a wise person, “Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head”. Let this serve as a reminder for you and for me, forgiveness leads to freedom.