Secrets in the Night (shh, don’t tell anyone)
I have a strange relationship to the night.
If I were to personify it, I imagine the night would be a man.
The night was a man.
An older man with a bald head and black mustache shaped like Hitler’s.
A man old enough to be my father.
Hint: What if he was my father?
The night had no respect for me.
He would come to me half-naked waking me.
In thirst. Wanting me.
Desiring to put his dick inside of my thirteen year old vagina.
At 2 a.m. relentlessly he came to lie next to me.
[Are you awake?
I want to talk.]
Poking me with his long finger shaped like a penis.
The night would be a fear that would haunt me for years.
I would wake up in the midnight hour kicking and screaming like clockwork.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!”
This time the night wasn’t there by my bedside.
Sleeping next to me. Whispering in my ear how he wanted to fuck me.
This time the night was my partner.
A friend. A stranger.
But the shadows.
I hated the night for years.
I had dreams of killing the night.
Murdering him slowly. Torturing him until he was sorry.
[It was your fault.
You wanted it.]
The night never lies.
It shows us the truth of who we are of the darkness that lives inside all of us.
He lived like a disease inside of me until I too was slowly dying.
From the memory of his hands on me. Of his words that haunted me.
That’s why I tell this story.
The night comes to show us the secrets that we are hiding from.
Something I have learned about the secrets we keep is that some of them do slowly kill us.
Which is why I tell this story.
Sharing a secret is like giving away an all-access pass to a room in your house.
It gives us a moment to remember what happened.
It gives us the truth.
And the truth shall set you free, right?