After a week of processing some pretty grey areas of my life with my relationships to my parents and family, I finally feel clear.
I went to therapy and shared how my week went. From the heavy discussion with my mother and intense banter with my father I knew what the path was for me.
To simply not have relationships with these people. Not because I don’t care for them. But because I care more for myself and my own well-being.
I had a discussion with my mother a few days ago about our past. I asked her a question.
“Have you ever thought about why Dad did what he did to me?” or “Why did you team up with him to hurt me? Why did you put a towel in my mouth?”
I paused after I asked her that.
My mind questioned me in the same way.
Why did she put a towel in my mouth? And matter of fact, why am I even talking to her?
If it weren’t for the label “family” I wouldn’t have a relationship with this woman.
Or anyone who hurt me in such a destructive way.
But because of our biological tie and emotional connection a part of me was confused and hopeful.
That she and I would grow together in a healthy way.
She never gave me any answers which only showed me that she really hasn’t put much thought into her actions as a mother.
In my pregnancy my past has become VERY CLEAR. There is no hiding the truth. No living in the shadows or in false ideas of hope, happiness or healing.
I think there is a sadness to the loss of them. That I really don’t have a close relationship with my parents and I never will in a healthy way.
That they lose the chance to be a part of my life. And of their grandkid’s life.
Pregnancy has shown me how I could never imagine my own child experiencing horrific acts of treatment.
In therapy today I shared all of this.
I realized how much more clear the path with them has become.
And how much more clear I feel about my choices.
Who gets to go in my tribe and who doesn’t.
I am so impressed with how much I have grown as a woman.
From a dark place of once suicide to a thriving woman making healthy choices, creating healthy relationships and most importantly one with myself.
Cheers to resiliency. May it show us the truth.