The Tale & Healing from Sexual Abuse

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Last night I watched The Tale, a new movie on HBO based on true events of the director Jennifer Fox’s life. She was sexually abused by her running coach at thirteen.

Usually I opt out of watching these movies because they do trigger me. For anyone reading if you watch the movie, know that you might be triggered.

There are some graphic scenes that made me sick to my stomach.

I saw myself in the main character. She resonated with me in her journey of discovering that she was sexually abused and accepting it.

I don’t know about every woman but I do know that for years I couldn’t accept the truth. It was a slow agonizing process to realize that my father wanted to have sex with me.

Even as I type these words I feel sick to my stomach.

Watching The Tale last night only magnified my feelings around sexual trauma.

I was very promiscuous in my twenties. I experimented with women. I experimented with polyamory relationships. I have wondered if my experimenting had anything to do with the trauma around intimacy.

In the film, the perpetrator tells the victim it was her. He was in his forties and she was a thirteen year old girl. It was her fault that it happened.

I remember many times my father saying the exact same words.

It was my fault. I wanted it. 

The journey of sharing my story has been a slow process.

I have held shame around it as if I was the cause of all the abuse.

I know now that it isn’t the case.

I felt an obligation to protect my parents. I shouldn’t talk badly about them. 

Or talk about what happened.

If you ever find yourself saying shouldn’t remove it from the sentence immediately.

It only brings guilt.

I lived with another family at sixteen.

In the film the main character idolizes two adults who become like her family.

I remember idolizing this family as well.

They adopted me and I moved in with them.

As the adopted father and I grew closer I remember several conversations of him sharing that if he had met me years before his wife we would be together.

I was sitting at the kitchen table doing my homework.

I remember thinking, “Oh no. This can’t be happening again.”.

It was a scary life for me as a budding teenager.

I know that many times I thought I should try dating women because then I’d be safe.

I wasn’t particularly sexually attracted to them as I was emotionally.

I wanted to feel safe.

They made me feel safe.

The Tale shows that a young girl wants to feel special especially by her family.

To feel safe. And loved.

We all do.

The main character freed herself in her own way by speaking her truth.

But remember this is based on the director’s life.

I admire Jennifer Fox for taking her pain and creating a powerful message with it.

I am just starting to really talk about the years of trauma I experienced.

Thank you Jennifer for being a voice for us. For giving us perspective into your journey.

I look forward to taking my story and impacting millions of women with it.

 

What It’s Like to Live with Spiritual Gifts

“Living with spiritual gifts must feel weird, huh?”

“Can you turn it off ever?”

“Do you pick up on everything around you?”

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These are some of questions people ask me when I tell them I am intuitive.

I share that I can feel information about someone.

I can also feel information from passed loved ones.

Living with spiritual gifts doesn’t feel any different from anyone else.

I don’t see my gifts different or separate from me. If anything it has led me to live a more fulfilled life.

I see my gifts as tools; tools that we all have.

You have them too.

It’s like watching a tree bloom in the spring.

The buds slowly come into their true expression, their form, beauty and color.

We are all really just coming into our full true authentic expression.

This is what it means to live a real life.

Gifts can be intuition, compassion, listening, craftsmanship, science, reasoning, art, dance.

We all have our own way of feeling, sensing and knowing life.

We have an inner world that we wake up in every morning.

Spiritual gifts give me insight into what I am doing that is bringing me closer to my dharma, my purpose in life. It also shows me what I need to let go, new ways to see life and bring healing to myself and others.

I wake up and have a chat with the universe first second my brain turns on.

I listen to the thoughts that arrive.

I listen to the intuitive knowledge that comes.

How can I best serve myself and others today?, is the question I ask.

Sometimes I know immediately.

Sometimes the answer comes later.

Intuitively I weave myself through my experiences from my cup of coffee, my morning talks with my boyfriend, client calls, writing, social media, my dog and yoga practice.

Every experience is a moment to serve. And intuitively receive.

I gain new wisdom and fresh knowledge.

New information to share in the world.

This is a potent time for people to realize who they were all along.

My gifts bring me sanity, happiness, joy and love.

They show me what really is necessary and what I am getting distracted by.

Discovering your spiritual gifts opens a door that was always there.

As the great witch from the Wizard of Oz said to Dorothy, “You had the power all along, my dear”.

We have the power to find home inside of us.

The universe and all of it’s infinite wisdom is right here.

Open your senses and listen.

Finding Your Way Through the Darkness

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When you are the end of your rope, tie a know and hold on. When you think you are at the end of your journey, reach out your hand and someone will meet you there.” – Emily Stroia, Into the Light 

I know the darkness like an old friend who comes to haunt me when I start falling into old belief patterns. I know the darkness like a wave that I have been submerged under and also conquered.

The darkness is there to show us how far we can go down the rabbit hole or climb up it. It is there to show us our edge.

Our minds are powerful guides that can take us on a journey of destruction or resilience.

For me I have experienced both.

I know that the path of sabotage and destruction has only made me feel worse. Resilience when life knocks me down reminds me that I am greater than my circumstance. I am greater than the darkness.

Finding your way through the darkness requires faith.

Faith that there is a silver lining somewhere.

If you can’t find it relentlessly create it.

Make art from the darkness.

Write.

Let the chaos serve a purpose that is healthy.

Move your body. Let music carry your emotions.

We have two choices.

We can fall to the power of our fear or let the fear has it’s voice and keep going.

Like any thing in life if we want it we can push through.

The darkness can be a friend, a gift, an opportunity to see life from all perspectives.

My favorite quote, “But without the darkness we cannot see the stars”.

I have realized that without my story I wouldn’t be the light I am.

We are never alone. The universe supports us in all things.