Talking about Sexual Abuse

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I always second guess if I should post these reflections but then I think of the men & women who suffer from trauma and I do it anyway.

So thank you for reading.

Today I shared a really intense and painful memory in therapy.

My heart hurts from it.

I find myself hearing his thoughts in my head as I talk about it out loud.

“You brought it on yourself. You asked for it. This is your fault.”

I felt immediate anger and rage. I wanted to pick up everything in front of me and smash it.

“What a fucking monster. Get out of my head.”

Not talking about these memories makes them feel less real, somewhere far away in time, like it never happened.

But as I practice sharing them out loud I can discern how my brain has used minimizing to cope and how these thoughts are not my own but his.

I feel better after sharing. And closer to the truth of who I am before the trauma. The version of me that thrives today.

so much love.

Creating Healthy Boundaries

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Creating healthy boundaries has been a struggle of mine for many years.

I have fallen into the rescuer, the people pleaser, the need for approval, seeking belonging, seeking validation roles too often.

As I have become more in touch with these parts of me I am taking time to check in with myself so that I do create a healthy boundary for myself in interpersonal relationships.

I am learning what works and doesn’t work for me in my romantic relationship, friendships and family relationships.

I have a tendency to sound mean when I assert myself so I am learning how to assert myself from a firm and honest place.

I think I have anger over the years of times that I didn’t get to voice my boundaries and they were disrespected such as in the case with the sexual abuse from my father.

Creating healthy boundaries is a process of trusting one’s self. Trusting to say no when something truly doesn’t work for you.

As I continue to grow and heal I am learning who I want in my life, how close and what boundaries I need to put up around those people who are unhealthy, energy suckers and or toxic.

It is so important to take a step back and see what you really need in any situation.

What I have learned about boundaries:

  1. Listen to your body. If you are getting a gut response in your body of resistance or NO, LISTEN. Your mind may trick you for different reasons but the body knows. Go with what your body is telling you.
  2. Give it time. Some boundaries are set up over time. You have a boundary with a family member and then it gets broken the first time. Depending on the nature of the boundary the relationship may be immediately done or you may give it time to see if any healing can take place.
  3. Take space. Some situations require space. You may choose to have certain relationships but put those relationships in a place that doesn’t require your time and effort. You may see these people occasionally on your time in a certain fashion that feels healthy to you.
  4. Write about it. When in doubt about a boundary, write about it. Notice what you feel most drawn to after. What is the boundary and what do you need? Honor where your intuition and body are taking you.

At the end of the day if it isn’t working for you then you know the answer. This goes along with anything. From our diets to our thinking to our relationships.

Getting clear on our boundaries and what kind of lives we want to live with the people will impact our growth ten-fold. Surround yourself with a community and people who value what you value.

The Tale & Healing from Sexual Abuse

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Last night I watched The Tale, a new movie on HBO based on true events of the director Jennifer Fox’s life. She was sexually abused by her running coach at thirteen.

Usually I opt out of watching these movies because they do trigger me. For anyone reading if you watch the movie, know that you might be triggered.

There are some graphic scenes that made me sick to my stomach.

I saw myself in the main character. She resonated with me in her journey of discovering that she was sexually abused and accepting it.

I don’t know about every woman but I do know that for years I couldn’t accept the truth. It was a slow agonizing process to realize that my father wanted to have sex with me.

Even as I type these words I feel sick to my stomach.

Watching The Tale last night only magnified my feelings around sexual trauma.

I was very promiscuous in my twenties. I experimented with women. I experimented with polyamory relationships. I have wondered if my experimenting had anything to do with the trauma around intimacy.

In the film, the perpetrator tells the victim it was her. He was in his forties and she was a thirteen year old girl. It was her fault that it happened.

I remember many times my father saying the exact same words.

It was my fault. I wanted it. 

The journey of sharing my story has been a slow process.

I have held shame around it as if I was the cause of all the abuse.

I know now that it isn’t the case.

I felt an obligation to protect my parents. I shouldn’t talk badly about them. 

Or talk about what happened.

If you ever find yourself saying shouldn’t remove it from the sentence immediately.

It only brings guilt.

I lived with another family at sixteen.

In the film the main character idolizes two adults who become like her family.

I remember idolizing this family as well.

They adopted me and I moved in with them.

As the adopted father and I grew closer I remember several conversations of him sharing that if he had met me years before his wife we would be together.

I was sitting at the kitchen table doing my homework.

I remember thinking, “Oh no. This can’t be happening again.”.

It was a scary life for me as a budding teenager.

I know that many times I thought I should try dating women because then I’d be safe.

I wasn’t particularly sexually attracted to them as I was emotionally.

I wanted to feel safe.

They made me feel safe.

The Tale shows that a young girl wants to feel special especially by her family.

To feel safe. And loved.

We all do.

The main character freed herself in her own way by speaking her truth.

But remember this is based on the director’s life.

I admire Jennifer Fox for taking her pain and creating a powerful message with it.

I am just starting to really talk about the years of trauma I experienced.

Thank you Jennifer for being a voice for us. For giving us perspective into your journey.

I look forward to taking my story and impacting millions of women with it.

 

Manifesting What I Wanted Flat Broke and Confused

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My manifestation journey has been one of trust, intuition and conversation.

It can be hard to stay connected to your vision when in the process of moving.

I have had a powerful journey of manifesting what I wanted when I had very little to no money and just a vision in my mind and heart.

I had this nudge to move from New York City to Los Angeles a year and a half ago.

Based on my inner voice telling me that I was going to move here.

At the time it sounded absurd especially because I created a whole life in New York.

I gave up my tiny studio apartment in the Bronx and couch surfed with a friend in Brooklyn for three months.

It was a process to accept that I was at a turning point in my life.

I felt depressed and confused.

I knew that I couldn’t stay in New York much longer. It was becoming so hard to be there from the cold to the busy madness of the city. I was leaving a subculture behind. I was leaving a relationship of two years.

And a relationship of ten years with New York.

When I really decided I would move to Los Angeles it was a process.

I flew out to LA several times. I didn’t find a place to live until about a year after deciding to move.

I didn’t want to just settle for anything. I had a vision in my mind.

I was going to live in a house close to the beach. I would be close enough to get to the mountains for hiking. I wouldn’t pay more than $1500 a month for rent. I didn’t want to buy furniture.

I just wanted to show up and start my life.

Within a year I told anyone I was in conversation with that I was moving to Los Angeles.

And in that year synchronistically I found a place via word of mouth in a conversation in New York City. A friend shared her friends were moving back to NYC and they were living in a house.

And there it was. I flew out shortly after, met my future roommate who now has become a great friend and put my deposit down.

It was a house near the beach. The rent was exactly $1500. It was furnished.

It was everything I envisioned!

And it was seamless to move in.

I didn’t have much money saved. And I just knew I would make it work.

From that day forward my life has completely changed.

I have invested in two years of self-development training from emotional intelligence to yoga teacher training.

It has helped me grow into the woman I want to be and also helped me leave behind so much of my identity that was unhealthy.

Not just that but I have manifested some beautiful surprises.

I am now in a committed partnership with a man I met one month after moving here.

We are going to be having a child soon due in December.

I am entering the next chapter of my life of Motherhood and loving a human that I haven’t even met yet.

I am still finding my footing financially after so much in self-investment. But I remember my vision. To a well-known author and teacher.

Who makes enough to support her family and more. Who makes a social impact in education and food injustice.

I don’t have much money right now.

And that’s okay.

I have my well-being. My health.

My partner. My support system.

And a whole lot of LOVE. More than love than I ever had as a kid.

And the best part is that I get to channel all of that to my kid.

We think we need so much money to manifest what we want in life.

But the truth is you don’t. You need a good head on your shoulders, a vision and good people.

Share what you most want to manifest. Envision it in your mind.

Trust your feelings. Act on them. Some processes take a little time but the rewards come in plenty.

These are the tools I have learned in my manifestation process that will continue to get me to where I want to be:

  1. Trust the nudge. Your inner gut. The persistent voice in your head to make a move.
  2. Talk about it. Write about it.
  3. Envision it and see how it feels in the future. Imagine yourself there. What are you doing? Who is around you? What are you creating?
  4. Go where your vision is. For me it was moving to LA. So I flew out here many times. I made friends every time. I explored the community. I talked to people. I networked. When I felt a partner coming in my life I meditated. I joined an app and decided to give it a shot. I followed some love experts advice on dating. I did something new that I wouldn’t do in my dating process normally.
  5. Do what you never do. Don’t go where you feel comfortable. Go where you are uncomfortable.
  6. Get support. Surround yourself with good people in your life. Who are on the same path. Vision oriented people. Of integrity that you can trust.

The rest will fall into place. It is isn’t a matter of how but WHO.

 

 

 

 

From Confused to Clear: Letting Go of the Relationships that Bind You

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After a week of processing some pretty grey areas of my life with my relationships to my parents and family, I finally feel clear.

I went to therapy and shared how my week went. From the heavy discussion with my mother and intense banter with my father I knew what the path was for me.

To simply not have relationships with these people. Not because I don’t care for them. But because I care more for myself and my own well-being.

I had a discussion with my mother a few days ago about our past. I asked her a question.

“Have you ever thought about why Dad did what he did to me?” or “Why did you team up with him to hurt me? Why did you put a towel in my mouth?”

I paused after I asked her that.

My mind questioned me in the same way.

Why did she put a towel in my mouth? And matter of fact, why am I even talking to her? 

If it weren’t for the label “family” I wouldn’t have a relationship with this woman.

Or anyone who hurt me in such a destructive way.

But because of our biological tie and emotional connection a part of me was confused and hopeful.

That she and I would grow together in a healthy way.

She never gave me any answers which only showed me that she really hasn’t put much thought into her actions as a mother.

In my pregnancy my past has become VERY CLEAR. There is no hiding the truth. No living in the shadows or in false ideas of hope, happiness or healing.

I think there is a sadness to the loss of them. That I really don’t have a close relationship with my parents and I never will in a healthy way.

That they lose the chance to be a part of my life. And of their grandkid’s life.

Pregnancy has shown me how I could never imagine my own child experiencing horrific acts of treatment.

In therapy today I shared all of this.

I realized how much more clear the path with them has become.

And how much more clear I feel about my choices.

Who gets to go in my tribe and who doesn’t.

I am so impressed with how much I have grown as a woman.

From a dark place of once suicide to a thriving woman making healthy choices, creating healthy relationships and most importantly one with myself.

Cheers to resiliency. May it show us the truth.

19 questions on life to find one answer.

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This morning I answered 19 questions.

19 questions life to reconnect to my new vision. My sense of purpose.

I found that as I connected to my future self there wasn’t much of a change in my answers.

Only more clarity.

Only one macro shift.

I am going to be a mother.

This macro shift has changed my lens of the world.

My lens of myself.

These 19 questions led to me back to my safe place inside.

Truth.

No matter what I am doing in the future. How I am living.

I want to live a full life. With ease and grace.

I want to create a impact in the world of healing from trauma and loss.

Because there is enough suffering in the world.

I want to be a great Mother. I know I will be.

To give and receive love.

To trust.

While we can tap into the dream picture… I have realized that I am okay with the simple things.

With waking up and breathing.

With writing.

With being a mom.

Motherhood is a gift that only some get to experience.

What a great responsibility and gift for all.

 

Speak Your Voice even if it F*cking Shakes

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The process of sharing my voice has been an uphill battle.

As a child and young adult I never truly felt safe in sharing my voice.

I didn’t know the rage it could carry when angry.

I didn’t know the gentle grace it has when soft.

I didn’t know how powerful it was to move crowds.

It has been in the last few years that I have given my voice a chance to be FREE. To say what it has never said. To feel the tremble of anxiety in front of crowds.

To be on Facebook live and teach webinars, do mediumship messages in front of strangers and liberate myself from the fears of judgment, rejection and disapproval.

Or worse.

My little girl is slowly leaving and my woman voice is rising.

She is firm. Stern. Soft. gentle. nurturing. compassionate, resilient as fuck.

She loves unconditionally.

She holds space with sacredness.

She gives because she just fucking wants to.

And… she curses. Because it feels good.

And these days I am all about doing whatever I can to feel better.

The goal isn’t 100% going to be to feel good. But I can make it a goal to feel better.

So I am giving myself permission to be FREE as fuck. In my communication.

In my message. In my loudness. In my softness.

I still am learning boundaries. To give and to receive.

TO SAY NO.

NO is still hard. It is safe for me to say no now with grace and ease.

For those who are not sure what their voice is or are stepping into the power of the voice here are some tools that have helped me:

  1. Scream. Find a mountain. Find a room. Your car. And scream as loud as you want to. Scream all the things that your heart hurts from! Scream all the things you want! Shout it into the universe! What are you deserving of? What are you healing from? Who do you want to curse out? DO IT! And don’t hold back.
  2. Sing. Sing in the shower. Sing strange sounds. Make up new words. Play with sound.
  3. Speak up. Be the first to speak up in a crowd of people. Raise your hand. Everyone else is probably too scared to speak their truth. Do it and be the source of change.

These are a few tools I practice to help me release, transform and hear what I want to say, what I need to say, and what I MUST say.

It doesn’t always have to make sense. It is an experiment with you finding, hearing, soothing your voice.

Be free voice, be free.